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Threesomes? No-somes!
EUGENE, SIR: My roommates are into what they call “the lifestyle” which, I guess means, threesomes, foursomes, groups, and according to them some light BDSM. They’ve let me know that if ever I had any interest I’d be welcome to join in. Flattering but not so much my scene I think. However, our rooms are close enough to each other that I hear more than I want to some time and the other night it sounded like they had gone from light BDSM to something a little heavier and I got freaked out and started making noises so that they’d know I was around and when this didn’t stop things I interrupted. They invited me in to participate though and I got pissed off, told them to fuck off and now the house is in an uproar (the other roommates live downstairs so hear none of this) and I’m being made to be the bad guy. I’m as sex positive as the next person but I just don’t want to have sex with everyone who wants to have sex with me. Am I the prude here? — KK
Dear Kukla, Fran and Ollie: Prude? No. You correctly processed their desire to have sex with you as initially flattering, though not interesting for you based on, well, whatever sexual interests you do have. And outside of using the words “I think” above it doesn’t seem at all that there was any wavering in your interests or intentions. And I imagine your entrance into their room was in no way sexified, unless it was I guess and you’re not being straight with me, but driven by real concern for someone’s safety.
Nope. In this instance it’s not you, it’s them. Exhibitionists generally don’t always factor in the fact that their exhibits are not always welcome, and the fact that you are NOT a prude probably was directly understood as a “maybe”. So they may not be bad people/hammerheads, this may indeed be a misunderstanding, and the rest of the roommates should probably recuse themselves, however, this is about sex. Which means they’re going to have it again and while you probably won’t be invited the tension will not be reduced because they now know that their exhibitions are unwelcome and so it makes the making of them almost an act of rebellion. Which will make them resent you. Which will make the place you call home a tense mess.
But maybe you all can adult your way out of this. How? By doing what most adults do when it comes to the weirdly uncomfortable: make believe it’s not happening. Good luck.
Butt Seriously
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend and I have been into anal sex for a short while now. Recently though while I’m penetrating her vagina during sex, she takes my penis and puts it in her ass. My question: is it because she really enjoys it or is it because I asked her to and she’s just doing it to make me happy? — Tito Ramirez
Dear Mr. Ramirez: She probably listens to your long, highly involved and detailed sports stories, if indeed you do tell suchlike stories, to make you happy. She probably goes to parties with your Ex’s to make you happy. She probably lets you wear that shirt, you know the one I mean, the one that was popular about 10 years ago but now just is not, to make you happy.
But very, very few people are letting you put your penis in their butt JUST to make you happy. How do I know? How many people have let you do this before her? Now how many of those that did so, hated the fact that you did so? I don’t know how your numbers are running but largely it seems to me that people who are only having sex with you to makeyou happy, don’t have sex with you for long.
Which means to me: you could be overthinking this. Relax, go with the anal flow and trust that if she really doesn’t like something, she’ll let you know about it.
Staying Powers?
EUGENE, SIR: I want to have long sex without any medicine. How can I get the stamina to do so? — Amandeep
Dear Aman, My Man: I read the Internet too and I can see the cottage industries that preyon men’s desires for bigger, better, longer, thicker and the cremes, ointments, unguents, pumps, herbs, pills and buckets of cash culled around trying to not only turn us into sexual supermen, but convince us that to achieve parity with other men these are things we MUST do.
I can see that they also truck out experts, quasi-docs, or quacks, who they ask to mull over the stats, and various facts and figures, to support the continued collection of cash. But you know who I know they haven’t asked? Anyone with more than a passing, non-professional and highly personal relationship to your penis. They probably have not asked them.
Which is to say while it’s good being healthy and this improves the quality of your life in general, having sex for hours and hours only really works if you are having sex with someone else who likes to have sex for hours and hours. Otherwise it’s probably like waiting on line at the post office.
So cut down on smoking, drinking, lose a little weight, preferably by exercising, eat decent food and maybe most importantly of all, like the comedians I know say: know the room you’re playing. Which is to say: before you deliver the long sex make sure that your long is just right. Got it?
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